It Is Okay to Detach From What Is Not Okay
Domestic violence is a topic that resonates with me on a profoundly personal level. It is not just a societal issue - it is something I have witnessed, felt, and navigated in my own life and in the lives of those around me. Growing up, I saw domestic violence quietly play out in the shadows of my surroundings. As I grew older, I noticed its subtle manifestations in relationships around me - partners, friends, and acquaintances trapped in cycles of hurt and control. Over time, I learned to face these patterns and transmute the trauma within me. But this is not a journey meant to be walked alone. Sharing our experiences, shining light on what is often hidden, and creating pathways toward healing are crucial.
In the depths of many souls, suffering exists - not because people are weak, but because wounds go unaddressed. Empathy is a beautiful human trait, yet there is a significant difference between regulated and unregulated empathy. The former allows us to connect without losing ourselves; the latter can pull us into darkness that is not ours to carry.
Understanding the Roots of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence often originates from emotional suppression and dysregulation. When emotions are suppressed, they do not vanish - they lie dormant, compartmentalized, until triggered by a sensory activation. It could be a smell, a sound, a particular touch, or an environment that sparks the buried pain.
When this occurs, what I refer to as a mental fragmented personality switch can happen. Triggers activate disoriented realities where darkness threatens to overwhelm the light within a person. Empathy exists in these moments, but it becomes critical to maintain boundaries and self-respect. Recognizing the difference between compassion and self-sacrifice can be life-saving.
The Power of Acknowledgement
Acknowledgment is a cornerstone of healing. It is okay - and necessary - to recognize that we all carry both light and dark within us. I see it everywhere: in the streets, within families, in social settings, and across society at large. Too often, people run from their darkness, suppressing it, shaming themselves, and avoiding safe spaces where vulnerability is honoured.
It is in the safe expression of these emotions, in environments where we can release and be heard, that the unfathomable begins to transform into light. This is why men’s and women’s work, therapy, and personal development practices are so vital. They help us return to connection and safety within ourselves, teaching reflection over projection and healing over harm.
Recognizing the Many Faces of Abuse
When reflection is avoided, and projection becomes easier, harmful behaviors can escalate. Domestic violence can take many forms, some obvious, some insidious:
Threats to sabotage
Manipulative power extraction
Name-calling
Constant criticism
Intimidation
Humiliation
Isolation
Financial abuse
Digital abuse
Stalking
Cultural or identity-based abuse
Gaslighting
Neglect of basic needs
These behaviors are not just patterns - they are attempts to exert control, often born from unhealed pain and suppressed trauma. Understanding this does not excuse the harm, but it allows us to approach the subject with clarity, empathy, and determination to set boundaries.
A Message to Survivors
If you are experiencing domestic violence, I want to speak directly to you. Let your WHY- why you deserve safety, respect, and love - be louder than your WHAT IF (what if it changes), SHOULD I (should I do something different), or CAN I (can I help this person).
It is not your responsibility to fix someone else, but it is your responsibility to raise your standard and protect your own wellbeing. Your value is inherent, and your safety is non-negotiable. For further guidance and tools, The Purple Book is an excellent resource to help you navigate and reclaim your power.
A Message to Perpetrators
To those causing harm, it’s time to pause and reflect. Determine your WHY—why you exist, why you care for those around you, and why the choices you make matter. Ask yourself if your evaluation of self-worth and unresolved trauma will dictate the life you lead and the imprint you leave behind. True change begins with accountability, reflection, and a conscious choice to shift destructive patterns.
Embracing Complexity and Moving Toward Light
Healing is not about perfection. It is about acknowledging the light and dark within ourselves, embracing the complexities of human experience, and striving for healthier connections. By bringing awareness to these shadows, we create opportunities for transmutation, growth, and elevation of consciousness.
We are called to illuminate these hidden corners, to offer empathy that is grounded, to set boundaries that protect, and to foster environments where safe release and reflection can occur. Whether survivor or perpetrator, the path toward transformation is paved with honesty, self-awareness, and courage.
Let us embrace our complexities, illuminate the shadows, and strive toward a world where respect, empathy, and connection are the foundation of every relationship.
