“It’s Not About You!” – The Hidden Harm Behind Popular Phrases
I hear it all the time:
“It’s not about you.”
It’s often delivered with authority, as if it’s an enlightening mantra. A shortcut to peace. A universal truth.
But let’s pause for a moment. Because this phrase - while common - has the potential to do more harm than good.
The Psychology of Dismissal
When someone hears “It’s not about you,” what is actually landing in their nervous system?
Minimisation. Their feelings don’t matter.
Separation. They are disconnected from the collective flow.
Invalidation. Their lived experience is irrelevant.
Even if the intent is pure, the impact is often suppression. And suppression always comes with a cost.
The human experience is inherently individual. Each of us is here to live, feel, and learn from our unique perspective. So telling someone “it’s not about you” effectively removes them from the very process they are meant to be experiencing.
Projection Disguised as Wisdom
Let’s be honest: many phrases like this are less about helping others and more about protecting ourselves.
Often when people say “It’s not about you”, what they’re really saying is:
“I haven’t addressed my own shadow of worthiness, so I’ll dismiss yours.”
“Your truth makes me uncomfortable, so I’ll minimise it.”
“I’d rather project than reflect.”
This doesn’t mean those who use the phrase are “bad” or malicious. It simply means they are operating from their own unexamined pain. But the ripple effect is real words shape energy, and energy shapes relationships.
The Power of Tiny Shifts
Now here’s where language alchemy comes in. Words carry weight. The smallest adjustment can shift everything.
Compare:
“It’s not about you” → instils fear, encourages suppression, fuels disconnection.
“It’s not just about you” → widens perspective while still honouring the individual’s truth.
The first phrase closes doors.
The second opens them.
The first speaks from control.
The second speaks from compassion.
It’s not about removing the self. It’s about remembering the self exists within a greater whole.
The Danger of Lazy Mantras
Phrases like “It’s not about you” have become spiritual shortcuts. A way to bypass discomfort, silence truth, and keep people “in line” under the guise of wisdom.
But lazy mantras don’t create healing.
They create dependency.
They keep people looking outward for validation instead of inward for truth.
True wisdom requires nuance. It requires us to hold paradox. To acknowledge that yes, life is bigger than us - and yet at the same time, every moment is filtered through us. Both can be true.
From Projection to Integration
So what’s the alternative? It’s not about banning certain phrases altogether - it’s about using language that integrates rather than divides.
When you feel the urge to say, “It’s not about you,” try instead:
“This isn’t only about you.”
“There’s a bigger picture, but your feelings matter.”
“I hear you, and let’s also explore other perspectives.”
Notice how each shift maintains awareness of the whole, without stripping away the individual.
Reflection for You
I invite you to reflect on this:
What statements am I currently expelling, and are they coming from projection - or from wisdom?
The words we choose are not neutral. They are energetic codes, shaping the reality we live in and the connections we cultivate.
Choose words that empower, not suppress.
Choose wisdom over projection.
Choose connection over control.
Because every phrase has the power to either fracture or fortify the human spirit.
With clarity and compassion,
Chantelle
